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University of Oregon, Deady Hall

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• University of Oregon

• Lane Community College

• Northwest Christian College

• Eugene 4J School district

• Lane Education Service District (all other public schools in Lane County)

Helpful Articles on Moving with Children and Teenagers

• The time of year you move can greatly reduce the impact to your children

• A GREAT article about moving with teenagers

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The time of year you move can greatly reduce the impact to your children

Since advance notice is not always possible, employees often move to the new location and begin the new job long before the spouse and family move. After all, there is the home to sell, the spouse's job to wind down, and the children's school year to finish. This sequence of events seems natural. However, once the home is sold and the spouse has given notice, is it really best to wait until the end of the school year to move the children?

From September to June, families are involved with multiple activities intended to encourage the educational, physical, and social development of their offspring. Such opportunities might include music, dance, gymnastics, tennis, swimming or karate lessons. They might include soccer, football, basketball, volleyball, softball, or baseball team memberships. Social interactions might be provided through scouting activities, outdoor explorers, youth groups, or other child-oriented organizations.

Undoubtedly, this profusion of commitments requires intricate calculations of time and dedication to a rigorous schedule. The reward of this frenzy of activity is the development of that well-rounded, self-confident, secure "individual" psychologists promise children will become. If this intricately planned routine of modern nurturing were disrupted between September and June, what would happen to the children? Will the children not suffer a serious developmental setback in a mid-year relocation?

Experience tells us otherwise. Most relocated adults know it is just a matter of time in a new location until they are able to reestablish a satisfactory network of relationships. But the instinctive desire of a parent to safeguard and protect his or her children from the sometimes painful "new kid on the block" experience may cloud the parent's ability to make an objective analysis of the children's ability to accomplish this same goal.

However, children are the most resilient and adventurous members of the human race. And it is this resilience, coupled with the opportunity to connect with classmates during the school year while taking advantage of sports teams, clubs, and extracurricular activities that makes a mid-year relocation even more desirable.

Most parents believe that the summer move allows for the kids to end their current sports seasons and extracurricular activities, as well as finish a school year. All those reasons have their pluses. However, consider these characteristics of a summer move:

• School is out of session.
• The summer athletic rosters probably are filled.
• There probably is no more space at summer camp.
• Neighboring families are away on vacation.

A mid-summer move may make the child not just the newest kid on the block, but also the loneliest kid on the block. By moving in mid-year, kids can get involved as quickly as possible.

Children between the ages of six and 10 typically experience the least disruption in a move to a new community. Youngsters of this age still rely on the family as the primary source of self-esteem and identity. Therefore, the younger child just may need a bit of extra support and attention from the parents during the transition. A visit to the new school after the actual school day is a good beginning. The youngster can see the classroom and meet his or her teacher without the pressure of meeting unfamiliar classmates. An appointment with the school guidance counselor or the school principal can help both the transferring student and the parent learn the ropes to register for the various extracurricular interests of the child. New classmates, new teammates, and new social groups all can be acquired simultaneously, and the child is off and running with his or her new and glorious adventure.

The picture is more complicated when teenagers are involved. Because of the issues they face, adolescents usually have a more stressful time switching schools. A teen's main task is to separate from the family and establish an independent self. This task is made more difficult when teens have started that process already and have to reestablish a whole new set of relationships with teachers, other students, and possibly employers. The good news is that transferring to a new school can be a self-esteem booster for those who manage it successfully. Such students learn a sense of mastery and a belief that they have the resources to get through difficult changes.

Give Time

Some parents attempt to immediately enroll their children in after-school or weekend activities such as dance, skating, or gymnastics in order to maintain "continuity" in the child's lifestyle. While this approach may be appropriate for some children, it is important to remember that most of us, regardless of age, need time to adjust to changes in our lives. It often is advisable to allow the child a month or more to get familiar with and accustomed to his or her new school, teachers, neighborhood, and friends. While the child is adjusting, the parent can be gathering information about activities in which the child can enroll when he or she indicates a renewed interest. Just keep in mind; adjusting to a new dance or karate instructor is another change in the child's life that may not have to be immediate.

Teens

Pre-teens and teens are, as mentioned previously, developing and testing their independence. As this process unfolds, who to trust with their most intimate thoughts and feelings becomes a major issue. This is one of the reasons leaving a close friend or relationship can be so frightening. Due to the lack of life experiences, he or she may not be able to envision developing a similar relationship once the move has occurred. By letting the teen know that they, too, have had or are having some of the same reactions to the move, parents can encourage the teen to express his or her fears and concerns. In many instances, the teen will not feel so alone and will view the parent as a confidante. The use of a personal journal can help the teen express reactions to the move in a "safe" way." A journal can simply be a notebook that is respected by all other family members as private and personal, and a place where the teen can write anything he or she needs to on a daily or weekly basis. Often, the actual entries in the journal may take the form of letters written to friends in the old community. As new friendships are developed, the "need" for the journal will decline. Keeping a journal is not meant to replace the communication between parent and teen, but is an additional way for the teen to make sense out of and adjust to the changes he or she is experiencing.

Listening

Parents handling the details of relocation have many distractions from the usual family routine. Even after the move, the settling-in process takes time and energy. Yet, the primary thing children need throughout the entire process is to be listened to and to have their relocation experience acknowledged. When listening to the child talk about his or her new school, parents not only can acknowledge the difficulty the child may be expressing, but also can focus on and provide acknowledgement of the positive things that are happening in the child's life. The child will believe that what he or she is experiencing is important to the parents. In addition, the child will be given the opportunity to focus on the positive things. The more the child accepts the positive aspects of the move, the more easily and quickly he or she will adjust to the new school and community.

Parents should encourage teens to become involved in extracurricular activities as a way to build self-esteem while meeting new friends with similar interests. While encouraging the positive, it also is important for parents to realize that teens probably will experience a sense of loss of previous relationships. Denying the problem will only intensify the teen's sense of isolation. It is important to acknowledge and validate the teen's feelings and help him or her accept these feelings as normal so that the adolescent can get beyond the loss and into the positive actions that will establish the new set of relationships needed. Allowing him or her to stay in touch with the boyfriend or girlfriend at the old location is critical to the adjustment. It is amazing how not being together all the time will diminish the strong ties over time. Arranging a trip back home six months after the move also will help them realize that "I don't fit in as well anymore."

The parent has a role to play in easing the transition to a new community for both the younger child and the teenager. With the younger child, the parent can set small, concrete goals, such as agreeing to invite one new friend over to play each week for the first several weeks. Parents will need to help elementary school-age children with goal setting, which is good in that it involves planning together. It also will allow the parent to meet other parents in the new school outside of organized school events.

What will happen to the children in a mid-year move? Handled with sensitivity and common sense, a mid-year move can be the easiest of all transitions for the relocating family. It is the parents' fears that need the most soothing. If parents face it as a positive experience filled with exciting new opportunities to make new friends and try new personae, a mid-year move will be a bigger success than an end-of-the-school-year move. And just think, the van lines will be able to provide trucks more easily, making your mid-year move less stressful.

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This is a GREAT article about moving with teenagers!

Adolescence is a time of physical and emotional change. Adding a move to this mix can create a family crisis. There are, however, some steps parents and relocation professionals can take to help.

A great deal of energy has been devoted to dealing with relocation resistance resulting from the "spouse issue." Although this is an important consideration, there is another family member who has an impact on the success of a move and whom very few professionals have spent time studying--the adolescent.

In 1995, an Employee Relocation Council survey of 179 companies that reported experiencing employee reluctance to relocation found that 66 percent of respondents cited "employee/family resistance to move" as the primary reason for that reluctance. Much of that resistance may be related to a working spouse; however, resistance can come from children as well, particularly when the children are adolescents.

If you show me a family with a "normal adolescent," I will show you a family in which turbulence is present. For many of us, it is an exciting time of life, but for some of us, it is an experience likened to a vacation in Hell. As our children reach the age of adolescence (11 to 23 years old) we often see a metamorphosis in them and their responsiveness to us as parents and the family in general. The relationship that evolves with each succeeding year scares us, sometimes bewilders us, and shakes the family at its very core.

Adolescence is an extremely difficult period for children and families. Relocation at this particular juncture literally can send a family already on the edge over the edge. For years, psychologists have told people how keeping home problems at home and work problems at work will reduce one's stress level. I have been in my business for a long time, and have never met a person (including me) who can successfully separate the two. My productivity at work and at home is directly related to my level of satisfaction and sense of fulfillment in each environment. It is wonderful to experience a synergistic congruence in both, but it rarely happens.

The adolescent is an insecure human being looking for security, just like the rest of us. As adults, however, we discover more contentment than the average adolescent. I know that my home is unique in its composition and personality; as a result, my unique situation cannot be directly compared to that of any other family. Moving is an emotional experience for all family members--children and adults alike. For the adult, it means leaving homes where we have worked through sweat and tears to create the "American dream." We have had fights and made love in our home. We have made babies and raised those babies in that home. We have mowed the lawn and shoveled snow off of the driveway. We have entertained and we have celebrated privately. We have improved its structure and tolerated its defects, always hoping that, in the end, someone will understand how precious that structure really is, and comprehend the personal and historical significance of what the building represents to us and our family.

The walls of our homes enclose our experiences, and our memories of our homes reflect the joy, the sorrow, the anger, and the fear remembered there. Relocating causes us to consciously reflect on what we have experienced in this place during these years. The same phenomenon happens to the adolescent.

As adults, we often overlook the impact of moving on our children, as we sincerely believe that we are the ones who make the sacrifices and take the risks. For an adolescent, the prospect of a family move is tantamount to an earthquake--everything shakes and the possibility of total destruction is imminent. Adolescents perceive giving up the security of friends and social networks as a potential disaster at best, and rarely do they see it positively. The adolescent does what any of us would do in the midst of an earthquake--runs for cover. The adolescent prepares for a disaster. The future is an unknown, and adolescents (and adults) do not welcome unknowns. As a result, a relocating family can experience turbulence far in excess of anything normally associated with the period called "adolescence." The impact on the morale of the family and the employee can be disastrous.

Adolescents cannot see clearly that all will be okay if they just trust the process. Consequently, they resist change, as they convince themselves that life will never be as good in the new setting as it has been in the present setting. This reaction is universal to relocating adolescents, but how the adolescent expresses his or her feelings about the transition will depend heavily on how that young person has been taught to express feelings in the past. Screamers will scream and stuffers will stuff even deeper, but be assured that there will be a reaction.

If adolescents perceive their relationship with their parents as satisfactory up to the present, the transition will be easier, as they will permit parents to take the lead and offer positive assurances that the family will stick together throughout the difficult adjustment ahead. In the family where the relationship between adolescent and parent already is strained, this anticipated move could create significantly greater problems.

Most of us are afraid of change and, for adolescents, everything already is changing very fast; moving just feeds into an already insecure existence. An astute parent will be able to effectively help the adolescent in this transition, if that parent retains a positive attitude about the move and is willing to listen to the concerns and questions that surface in the minds of the young people. Parents should not just announce, "We are moving;" instead, they should solicit feedback and listen to the adolescent's concerns. Then, they can help the adolescent work toward some sort of satisfactory resolution.

Understanding what motivates an adolescent and how will help parents to be more empathetic and patient when young people express their feelings.

Driving Forces Within the Adolescent

• All adolescents are motivated. Defining their motivational goal sometimes is next to impossible for parents caught up in their own emotional response to the onset of new and unfamiliar behaviors, however.
• Adolescence is a time of hormonal changes that influence and drive an individual's motivation and usually result in intense emotional turbulence.
• Growth spurts often will create exhaustion and stress.
• Adolescence is a time of intense self-doubt. Our children are intermittently overwhelmed by feelings of inadequacy, inferiority, and self-consciousness.
• Fear often is masked in bravado, rebellion, and indifference.
• Teens are most concerned with the short term, and it is a sign of maturity when they consider long-term consequences in making a choice.
• Adolescents are searching for love, stability, and feelings of significance.
• All behaviors are motivated by our own personal or individual needs and values.
• Parental values that have been modeled faithfully over the years will be copied by the adolescent. The adolescent is, however, driven to test the validity of a parent's value system. Nonetheless, through the maturation process, the adolescent will acquire and retain values implanted by parents.

The more parents understand about the psychological and physiological dynamics of adolescence and adolescent growth, the better will be their chances of helping these young people adjust to the concept of relocation at this difficult time in life. There will be a direct correlation between parents' ability to be empathetic and the adolescent's willingness to accept such a drastic change without a major objection and stress-filled fight.

Rx for the Relocation Professional Working with Parents of Adolescents

Parents must understand that their adolescents already are in a significant psychological and physiological relocation of sorts, as the process of adolescence takes them on their search for a personal identity. For them, everything is changing, and rapidly.

From the perspective of the adolescent, the only source of stability and connectedness lies in their peer group. The possibility of giving up that connection represents (for them) a psychological disaster and a social death trip.

In most cases, the adolescent is not going to look favorably on the prospect of moving. Behaviors will surface, and these behaviors probably will be outrageous and unfamiliar. Each personality will have very unique ways of responding to the emotional impact of the move.

Parents need to be taught and constantly reminded that their children (regardless of the overt behaviors) have eight basic psychological needs. Failure to respond to these needs in the crisis created by relocation can tear a family to pieces and directly impact the move.

The eight basic psychological needs of the adolescent are:

1. The need to be loved;
2. The need to feel a sense of belonging;
3. The need for power and competition;
4. The need to understand and have purpose;
5. The need to have a sense of hope;
6. The need to have freedom and choices;
7. The need to receive forgiveness; and
8. The need to experience fun and learning.

Most schools throughout the world have "reception teams" of students within the system who will welcome the opportunity to be an initial friend by giving tours of the school and introducing the new person to other students during free periods and lunch.

As a relocation professional, one of the most significant ways to help adolescents is by facilitating contact. If the family belongs to a church, the same principle will apply. Adolescents will adjust more quickly and feel more comfortable with this extra effort on their behalf. A wonderful by-product will be a reduction of stress within the family. When you have calmed the stress of an adolescent, you have contributed significantly to the satisfactory transition of the entire family.

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